The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
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Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.