‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
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me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.