list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
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My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
me opening up to someone
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one