Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
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“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
i really liked this one
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.