The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
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Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Meow
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?