Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
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Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.