challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
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my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Saturday
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano