Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
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I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?