me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
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If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows