This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
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Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
<—- homeless romantic
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.