TEETH IS INNOCENT
You Might Also Like
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
*cough*
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes