*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
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My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Don’t touch that.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.