Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
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Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.