7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
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I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!