NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
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Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Sending in my taxes
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.