My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
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“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
This is what makes twitter great
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
The biggest mystery of our time
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Realize this:
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”