Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
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The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Lucky old June.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.