H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
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*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses