At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
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IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.