”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving backš¬
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I spoke to my doctor and he said, āif you drink every day you are an alcoholic.ā
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Iām really hungry, so Iām going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
If you add enough jalapeƱos no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
When it says āfussyā and ācries excessivelyā on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Iāve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
If by ānew moneyā you mean it hasnāt been printed yet, yes, thatās me.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
This is literally the only instance Iāve ever seen someone āasking for itā
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Thereās no āuā in employee. Youāre fired.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet