my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
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when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Worth a try
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Feels
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I can’t deal with men any longer
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*