Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
You Might Also Like
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
had to make it
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
it be like that
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop