Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
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This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog