[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
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robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
kevin is now a local weatherman
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.