FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
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Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic