I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
You Might Also Like
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
My god she’s good.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.