And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
You Might Also Like
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
My flabber has been gasted.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I think my mom just blocked me
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.