Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
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I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Oh my god
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.