I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
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*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.