shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
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Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Miscakes
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Stick it to the man
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.