I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
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Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.