Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
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[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of