Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
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Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games