if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
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RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee