angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
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Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
My dream job is getting paid to dream
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day