Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
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20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter