I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
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The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
my dad has had enough
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.