Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
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Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.