Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
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God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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