My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
You Might Also Like
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.