4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
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Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Left at a local drug store…
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*