[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
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Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip