Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
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*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
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Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…