Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
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PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.