*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
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I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
🤣🤣🤣
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN