Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
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I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
birds and squirrels envy us
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream