When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
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The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Wait a minute…
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.