Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
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[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.