My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
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It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
this is the best interaction on twitter
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.