Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
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Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*